I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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