im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
