I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
there was a trapeze. enough said
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
