If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
