I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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