Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
