Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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