break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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