Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
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I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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