Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
