dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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