My sheets look like a crime scene.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
