You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
