I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
