16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
