Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
