I can text with my tongue
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
