just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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