I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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