wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
