I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
