If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
My pussy is not your playground.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
