i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
