I am midnight drunk by noon
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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