shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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