Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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