I accidentally had phone sex last night
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
