I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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