omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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