You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
