I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
