Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
