I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
