Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
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