I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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