peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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