I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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