My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
