Sponge bath it is.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
