Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
