seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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