I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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