I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
