OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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