Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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