he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
