I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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