I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
