There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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