i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
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So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
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I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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