You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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