i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
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I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
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Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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