I could make wine with my vomit
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
