Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
