I think I died a long time ago.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
