I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
