Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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